Filling the Gap: An Exhortation for Ladies of All Ages

Alright, ladies . . . it's time for a sister-to-sister (in Christ), heart-to-heart chat!

Sorry, fellas . . . this post doesn't really apply to you. (Note: after final editing, I suppose some of the content of this post can be relevant to a guy's perspective too, but I've written it to be geared more toward a girl's perspective since I'm much more familiar with it.)

If you were anything like me growing up, you probably spent many hours playing "wedding" and "rescue the princess." Some of my fondest and funniest childhood memories involve one or both of those make-believe games. Getting into heated discussions with my sister and girl cousins over who was going to be the groom or the knight in shining armor after failing yet again to convince our male cousins to fill those roles, picking names for our future children, arguing over who was going to get married first . . . ah, yes, those were the days.

Middle school rolled around, and I started on a seemingly endless string of innocent crushes that never went anywhere, most of which were married men much older than me. I laugh when I remember those days - I was so clueless!

High school brought me my first boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We were convinced that we were meant for each other. Why? Because we "just felt it" . . .

We were (VERY) young and (VERY) wrong. Our relationship was built on emotions and feelings. As we came down from the emotional high on which our relationship was based, the relationship fizzled out. I came out a bit emotionally bruised from the experience, but also a bit wiser too.

Freshman year of college brought a new environment, new friends, new responsibilities, new opportunities . . . and, yes, new boys.

The environment and culture at the college I attended was rather dating/couple-oriented. I don't say that in an attempt to bash my alma mater. I don't think it was purposely intended to be that way, it's just what ended up happening. It was routine for me to feel awkward, embarrassed, even ashamed of my singleness during Freshman and Sophomore year. It seemed like everyone but me was getting paired up, "seriously dating," getting engaged, etc.

After several "almost boyfriends" my first two years of college - guys who seemed interested, but eventually lost interest and moved on to other girls - I had had just about all I could take. I had allowed little bits and pieces of my heart to be given away to this guy and that, guys who had made no promise or commitment to me. I decided that enough was enough. I wasn't going to keep giving parts of my heart to guys who hadn't proven they were worthy (or even wanted) to win my heart in its entirety.

The last month of Sophomore year rolled around, and I began dating a guy friend I had become close to over the course of the school year. We spent the next three and a half months cultivating a long-distance relationship. In hindsight, those three and a half months of long-distance dating gave him the perfect opportunity to portray himself in the best way possible instead of how he really, truly was as a person.

We continued to date through the end of Junior year. The longer it went, the more he wanted to "push the envelope" physically to see how far I would let him go, how much I would let him get away with. To my shame, I let him get away with a lot more than I would like to admit. It felt good to be with a guy who (seemingly) loved me for myself, and I didn't want to rock the boat of our relationship.

The summer after my Junior year, some events (which I will be silent on for privacy reasons) caused me to see that our relationship needed to end. I didn't go about it in a Christ-like manner, and he didn't respond in a Christ-like manner. Our relationship ended in an extremely messy breakup.

I returned to school for my Senior year, disillusioned, lonely, and rather bitter over the broken relationship. I went through a few more "almost boyfriends" before making an emotionally-charged decision to give up on guys for good. Thankfully, the Lord brought some ladies into my life who helped me work through the baggage I was still carrying from the broken relationship, helped me get my heart back on track, and made me see just how much fun singleness can be when you have your heart in the right place.

A few weeks before graduation, I made a commitment before the Lord to save my heart and my body for my future husband, if it's His will for me to me to marry someday. I would be lying if I told you that I've never struggled with contentment since then, but God has certainly grown me a great deal in this area.

You're wondering why I shared almost everything about my "love life" history, aren't you? Hang in there . . . there is a point to all of this; trust me.

I know many, if not every girl struggles with contentment with being single in some form or another, at some point in their life. Even married women struggle with contentment. God made us with the desire to be loved, to be cherished. It's a sad truth that many of us have turned to men (or "boys" in a lot of cases) to fill that gap we have in our heart and have come out emotionally scarred and beaten down.

Let me share something with you, dear sister in Christ: a man can never fill the gap in your heart. It's like trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. It just doesn't work. I learned that the hard way.

Isaiah 54:5 tells us who can fill the gap.

"For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called." 

The Lord, our Maker, our Redeemer, the Lover of our souls, the One who loves with a perfect love . . . Love Himself . . . can fill the gap in our heart, if we will let Him.

Don't allow any man to take the place of your First Love, no matter how good he might be (or you might think him to be). Remember, a man can never fill the gap in your heart, because God designed it in such a way that He is the only one who can fill it.


Maya Angelou was right when she said, “a woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him in order to find her.” I hope and pray that we will all strive for such deep love and intimacy with our First Love.

Our feelings come and go, but the Lover of our souls remains constant in His love.

This is my beloved, and this is my friend . . . 

Song of Solomon 5:16

The LORD thy God . . . will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. 

Zephaniah 3:17

Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God . . . 

I John 3:1

We love him, because he first loved us. 

I John 4:19

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The Importance of Relationships

Over the course of this week, God has been teaching me a lot about the importance of relationships through sermons/prayer meeting, through conversations with friends, and through my study of the Word. God has brought this subject to my attention almost every day this week through those avenues, for which I am thankful. It has caused me to realize just how far I've let myself slide in this area.

In the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon tells us:

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. {Ecclesiastes 4:9-12}

I don't know about you, but I have a tendency to try to do challenging things on my own, even when I know I can't take on a (two-person) project that's way over my head (no pun intended, of course ;) ) or pull myself up by my spiritual bootstraps when I'm losing a spiritual battle. Solomon is right in saying that "two are better than one;" a good relationship of any kind provides companionship, accountability and support. Whenever I choose to reject those who desire to help me - "thanks, but I can handle this myself" - I am rejecting the God-ordained support network relationships provide and am displaying an attitude of pride in the process. 

Paul reminds us in Hebrews 10 about the importance of maintaining solid relationships with fellow believers.

And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. {Hebrews 10:24-25}

In the context of this verse, the word "provoke" doesn't mean doing or saying things to "provoke" someone to anger or irritation. Rather, it's more the idea of "stimulating" or "encouraging" one another. It's extremely hard, nigh impossible, to stimulate or encourage yourself in this way. God made us to need other people to fellowship with, to encourage and be encouraged in return. That's part of the beauty of being part of the body of Christ. 

There is, of course, a problem if you allow your need for people to become bigger than (or entirely replace) your need for God. But that doesn't mean we should feel guilty or ashamed for needing help, encouragement, or fellowship, and shun relationships altogether. There is a godly balance between these extremes.

It's important to remember that those who encourage you have need to be encouraged sometimes too; those who help you sometimes need help as well; those who pray for you also need to be prayed for. Good, healthy relationships are a "two-way street." Don't always wait for them to come to you first. Show your love for them by sincerely asking how they are doing. Find some ways you can be a blessing to them. Choose to exercise the "brotherly kindness" Paul talks about in 2 Peter 1.

It's so easy to overlook the importance of relationships. Life gets busy and we let our relationships slide. Some of us are just plain forgetful and we don't always remember to keep in touch with others. Other times, if we're honest with ourselves, we just don't want to take the time to find out how someone is really doing. We leave it at "How are you?" "I'm good, how are you?" "Good." (Grammatically incorrect, and usually not true, but that's not the point I'm trying to make here. :P )

Make the effort to spend time with a friend you haven't seen in awhile. Reconnect with a relative you haven't talked to since that last family get-together. Call that sibling who lives on the other side of the country. Reply to that email your grandmother sent this morning that you told yourself you "didn't have time" to respond to. Come alongside someone whom you know is going through a hard time.

Relationships aren't perfect, because humans aren't perfect, but they are gifts from One Who is perfect. Don't neglect them. 

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What is Biblical Forgiveness?

Photo by Myrna Moore

When you have suffered at another's hand, the last thing you want to do is forgive. You pride tells you not to forgive. It tells you that you have the right to be offended.

God is very specific about the Christian's responsibility to forgive. There are no exceptions to this command. We must forgive, whether we feel like it or not; whether we think the the person who offended us deserves our forgiveness or not.

When Jesus was asked, "Master, which is the great commandment in the law?," this was his response:

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. {Matthew 22: 37-40}

 What is biblical forgiveness? It is a promise that you will not deal with those who have offended you, hurt you, or sinned against you. It is a promise that you will not bring the offense up to them or anyone else ever again.

You are to forgive because God forgave you.

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. {Ephesians 4:32}

Forgiveness is...

• not an apology. Apologies are what you do/say to explain yourself. "I did that because..." "I said that because..."
• not forgetting. When God forgives your sin, He chooses to remember it no more. Forgiveness is a choice, an act of the will to remember the offense no more.
• not a matter of faith or spirituality. Forgiveness is simply obedience to a direct command of God.
• not a feeling. You don't forgive because you feel like it. You forgive because you are commanded by God to do it.

Christ gave us an example in Scripture of our choice to respond according to our feelings or to respond in obedience to God's commands.

But which of you, having a servant plowing or feeding cattle, will say unto him by and by, when he is come from the field, Go and sit down to meat? And will not rather say unto him, Make ready wherewith I may sup, and gird thyself, and serve me, till I have eaten and drunken; and afterward thou shalt eat and drink? Doth he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I trow not. So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do. {Luke 17:7-10}

The servant in this parable was probably exhausted and hungry from working all day. You might be thinking, "How unfair for the master to require more of him than was expected!" But the servant was required to obey his master, regardless of whether his feelings about how he was being treated were legitimate or not.

Your feelings may be legitimate based on what you have experienced or are experiencing. But your feelings are not to be your master. God is your Master. God commands you to stop living according to your feelings and just obey. Obedience is not the extra mile; it is your duty as a servant.

Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. {Colossians 3:13} 

You are to forgive because God has forgiven you. he has given you mercy and withheld judgment. He wants you to give mercy and allow him, the Righteous Judge, to administer judgment to those who have hurt you. Mercy is no longer hoping in your heart that hurt or evil comes upon those who hurt you. You give up the desire to punish of hurt the one who has hurt you. Mercy and forgiveness walk hand in hand. You never see one without the other.

God has given specific instructions about how Christians are to treat those who have hurt them.

But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also. Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. {Luke 6:27-31}

Jesus, having suffered all the shame, the physical and emotional abuse, the rejection, and the sins of the world, lifted His voice to heaven and prayed, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." He forgave so that you may be forgiven and, following his example, can also forgive.

When you humble yourself as a servant before the Lord and determine to obey His command to forgive, you witness to the world Christ's forgiveness of sin. Christ died for the sins of those who hurt you in the past, who who are hurting you now and those who will hurt you in the future.

Now, forgiveness does not mean:

• the hurt you experienced was justified.
• the blame rests upon you for the hurt inflicted.
• you are going to confront the offender.
• all memories of the offense and the offender will vanish the moment you forgive.
• there is no pain or sense of loss involved in the forgiving of the offender.
• that the other person was right.
• that the other person controls you.

Yield in obedience to Christ and choose to forgive all of those who have hurt you. This initial act of forgiveness is crucial, but keep in mind that forgiveness is to be continual. As these offenses come up in your mind again - and they will - you must lay them at the foot of the Cross once again, remembering that you have given forgiveness. 

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. {C.S. Lewis}

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Letting Go

There's an old Gaelic proverb that says, "Nothing can get into a closed fist." It is literally impossible to get anything into a closed fist (if you're skeptical, try it). This "closed fist" mentality is a daily struggle for many of us. It can manifest itself in many different forms, the most common being worry. Worry is, essentially, a lack of faith and/or a distrust of God's ability to handle circumstances. Whenever we raise the "closed fist" of worry, we're telling God that we don't believe He knows what's best.

The reality is, God does know best.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. {Isaiah 55:8-9}

 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. {Jeremiah 29:11}

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. {Romans 8:28} 

Letting go doesn't mean giving up; it means having enough trust in God's plan to move on. It's one of the hardest things for us to do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that, as we all know, is cowardly. But letting go isn't a sign of weakness or cowardice; it's an exercise of the strength that faith and trust in God's sovereignty provides. It shows that you believe God is true to His word.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. {Proverbs 3:5-6}

Be careful [anxious] for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. {Philippians 4:6-7}

 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. {I Peter 5:7}

 Perhaps you are facing financial troubles, health problems, or other difficult circumstances. God will take care of you. He has a plan, even if you can't always understand why He is allowing you to experience those difficulties. He will take care of you.


Perhaps you are burdened for someone close to you who has drifted far from God and is living in sin. As a brother or sister in Christ, you are to do everything you can to help them understand their need for change and restoration (see Matthew 18 and Galatians 6). If you have already taken the proper steps for confrontation, and they remain steadfast in their rebellion against God, you have to let them go and trust that God will work in their life without your intervention. 


Letting go of someone we love is hard. We often worry that letting them go will be perceived as giving up on them, or not caring enough to keep trying, because we don't want them to think that we don't love them. But letting go means having enough faith to let that person go, trusting that God is big enough to take care of them, no matter how hard you might have to fight yourself to do so. A friend of mind put it this way: "You don't stop loving them, but you have to let them go. Because you love them, you have to have enough strength to let them go and put them completely in God's hands." Show your love by praying for them. Give them over to God - He will take care of them.

Lay all your problems, cares, and worries at the throne of God, and leave them there. Open your closed fist, give everything you're holding on to over to Him, and don't take them back. Ask the Lord to increase your faith and trust in His promises. Keep your hands open so He can give and take people and circumstances in your life as He sees best. 

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Quotes by C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis (or "Jack," as he liked to be called) is one of my favorite authors and Christian apologists. His writings are some of the most profound works on Christianity that I have read so far in my experience with Christian apologetic literature. His unique ability to describe complex ideas in a simple ways is an inspiration to me.

So, without further ado, I would like to share with you some quotes attributed to him that I have found helpful, thought-provoking, and encouraging. I hope they will minister to your heart, as well.

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling 'darkness' on the walls of his cell."

"A young man who wishes to remain a sound atheist cannot be too careful of his reading."

"Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you will get neither."

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point."

"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement."

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."

"Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see."

"Nothing that you have not given away will ever really be yours."

"There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, 'All right, then, have it your way.'" 

"We are what we believe we are."

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream."

 "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will be come unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time - waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God - it changes me." 

"Love is not an affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

"Atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning..."

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a dead world."

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

"What draws people to be friends is that they see the same truth. They share it."

"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?" 

"God allows us to experience the low points in life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn no other way."

"Though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not."

"It is not your business to succeed, but to do right; when you have done so, the rest lies with God."

"To walk out of His will is to walk into nowhere."

"When you are arguing against God, you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all."

"God loves us, not because we're lovable, because He is love. Not because He needs to receive, because He delights to give."

"Faith in Christ is the only thing to save you from despair."

"When we lose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place."

"If God forgives us, we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise it is like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him."

"If we only have the will to walk, then God is pleased with our stumbles."

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Friends: Gifts to be Treasured

Photo by Myrna Moore

Today I had the unexpected blessing of receiving a phone call from a very dear friend whom I haven't heard from in six months. (Yes, there were tears, but they were tears of joy.) We were able to   catch up on each other's lives, share burdens, and rejoice in what the Lord is teaching us and doing for us. To be honest, I was a little sad when we had to say goodbye, but so thankful that we had been able to talk (finally!). I have missed her more than words can express.

Friendship is a beautiful manifestation of God's loving care for us. I believe that with all my heart.

Is maith a sgathan suil caraide. 

A friend's eye is a good looking-glass.

 {Gaelic Proverb}

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. {Proverbs 17:17}

Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. {Proverbs 27:17}

Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel. {Proverbs 27:9}

I am so thankful for the godly friends God has placed in my life. How often I so foolishly take them for granted! They help me up when I fall, encourage me when I'm discouraged, point me to Christ when I take my eyes off Him, put up with my silly antics and bad moods, make me laugh when I don't even want to smile, and so much more. I am not what I ought to be, but I hope I can be at least a fraction of the blessing to my friends that they have been to me. I am forever indebted to them for their kindness, generosity, exhortation, and encouragement. Thank You, Lord, for the tremendous gift of friendship!

Photo by Myrna Moore

True, godly friends are bits of Heaven on earth - precious gifts to be treasured. 

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