Filling the Gap: An Exhortation for Ladies of All Ages

Alright, ladies . . . it's time for a sister-to-sister (in Christ), heart-to-heart chat!

Sorry, fellas . . . this post doesn't really apply to you. (Note: after final editing, I suppose some of the content of this post can be relevant to a guy's perspective too, but I've written it to be geared more toward a girl's perspective since I'm much more familiar with it.)

If you were anything like me growing up, you probably spent many hours playing "wedding" and "rescue the princess." Some of my fondest and funniest childhood memories involve one or both of those make-believe games. Getting into heated discussions with my sister and girl cousins over who was going to be the groom or the knight in shining armor after failing yet again to convince our male cousins to fill those roles, picking names for our future children, arguing over who was going to get married first . . . ah, yes, those were the days.

Middle school rolled around, and I started on a seemingly endless string of innocent crushes that never went anywhere, most of which were married men much older than me. I laugh when I remember those days - I was so clueless!

High school brought me my first boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We were convinced that we were meant for each other. Why? Because we "just felt it" . . .

We were (VERY) young and (VERY) wrong. Our relationship was built on emotions and feelings. As we came down from the emotional high on which our relationship was based, the relationship fizzled out. I came out a bit emotionally bruised from the experience, but also a bit wiser too.

Freshman year of college brought a new environment, new friends, new responsibilities, new opportunities . . . and, yes, new boys.

The environment and culture at the college I attended was rather dating/couple-oriented. I don't say that in an attempt to bash my alma mater. I don't think it was purposely intended to be that way, it's just what ended up happening. It was routine for me to feel awkward, embarrassed, even ashamed of my singleness during Freshman and Sophomore year. It seemed like everyone but me was getting paired up, "seriously dating," getting engaged, etc.

After several "almost boyfriends" my first two years of college - guys who seemed interested, but eventually lost interest and moved on to other girls - I had had just about all I could take. I had allowed little bits and pieces of my heart to be given away to this guy and that, guys who had made no promise or commitment to me. I decided that enough was enough. I wasn't going to keep giving parts of my heart to guys who hadn't proven they were worthy (or even wanted) to win my heart in its entirety.

The last month of Sophomore year rolled around, and I began dating a guy friend I had become close to over the course of the school year. We spent the next three and a half months cultivating a long-distance relationship. In hindsight, those three and a half months of long-distance dating gave him the perfect opportunity to portray himself in the best way possible instead of how he really, truly was as a person.

We continued to date through the end of Junior year. The longer it went, the more he wanted to "push the envelope" physically to see how far I would let him go, how much I would let him get away with. To my shame, I let him get away with a lot more than I would like to admit. It felt good to be with a guy who (seemingly) loved me for myself, and I didn't want to rock the boat of our relationship.

The summer after my Junior year, some events (which I will be silent on for privacy reasons) caused me to see that our relationship needed to end. I didn't go about it in a Christ-like manner, and he didn't respond in a Christ-like manner. Our relationship ended in an extremely messy breakup.

I returned to school for my Senior year, disillusioned, lonely, and rather bitter over the broken relationship. I went through a few more "almost boyfriends" before making an emotionally-charged decision to give up on guys for good. Thankfully, the Lord brought some ladies into my life who helped me work through the baggage I was still carrying from the broken relationship, helped me get my heart back on track, and made me see just how much fun singleness can be when you have your heart in the right place.

A few weeks before graduation, I made a commitment before the Lord to save my heart and my body for my future husband, if it's His will for me to me to marry someday. I would be lying if I told you that I've never struggled with contentment since then, but God has certainly grown me a great deal in this area.

You're wondering why I shared almost everything about my "love life" history, aren't you? Hang in there . . . there is a point to all of this; trust me.

I know many, if not every girl struggles with contentment with being single in some form or another, at some point in their life. Even married women struggle with contentment. God made us with the desire to be loved, to be cherished. It's a sad truth that many of us have turned to men (or "boys" in a lot of cases) to fill that gap we have in our heart and have come out emotionally scarred and beaten down.

Let me share something with you, dear sister in Christ: a man can never fill the gap in your heart. It's like trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. It just doesn't work. I learned that the hard way.

Isaiah 54:5 tells us who can fill the gap.

"For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called." 

The Lord, our Maker, our Redeemer, the Lover of our souls, the One who loves with a perfect love . . . Love Himself . . . can fill the gap in our heart, if we will let Him.

Don't allow any man to take the place of your First Love, no matter how good he might be (or you might think him to be). Remember, a man can never fill the gap in your heart, because God designed it in such a way that He is the only one who can fill it.


Maya Angelou was right when she said, “a woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him in order to find her.” I hope and pray that we will all strive for such deep love and intimacy with our First Love.

Our feelings come and go, but the Lover of our souls remains constant in His love.

This is my beloved, and this is my friend . . . 

Song of Solomon 5:16

The LORD thy God . . . will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. 

Zephaniah 3:17

Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God . . . 

I John 3:1

We love him, because he first loved us. 

I John 4:19